THE ONE AND ONLY CHURCH OF UNIVERSAL ICE CREAM
Steven J. Gold
spiritualessens@gmail.com
I have decided to found a
new church that will be called The One and Only Church of Universal Ice Cream.
The only observance for church congregants will be to consume Universal Ice
Cream. This is based upon a revelation I received concerning the core essence
of ice cream and its significance. Examining the wild world of ice cream in its
many varieties, and engaging in a deconstruction process led me to the
conclusion that the core elements common to all ice cream are milk and sugar.
Well, okay, but what is so significant about milk and sugar? Pondering this
enigma further led me to think about how we all come into this world. We enter
this world as helpless babies almost entirely dependent upon others for our survival.
The only self-contained tools we have to aid our individual survival are the
bodily systems that are up and running. Most importantly, as far as physical
nourishment goes, we breath without having to go through any training curve,
and likewise we have a sucking instinct. We all know that breath is the most
essential element of life — we cannot survive very long without it. Next is
water. We can survive longer without water than without air, but not for too
long, and it certainly will work to our detriment to be deprived of water for
any significant period of time. But if the only nourishment we’re provided in
the first few months of life is air and water, we’re still not going to
survive. We also need something else for nourishment to sustain us and allow us
to grow and “thrive”, as the pediatricians call it.
So after birth, all of us
are soon taken to the breast to provide that additional essential ingredient
that, along with air and water, can sustain us and help us thrive for quite a
long time before we need anything else. And if not breast milk, we’re provided
with a manufactured substitute for it that we call “infant formula”. But the
point here is to realize that from the moment of birth on, we develop a great
need, longing, and attachment for that sweet milk. Maybe that explains our
ongoing attraction to various forms of liquid sugary confections, whether
frozen, cold, or warm. And maybe that explains why the description of the
Biblical Promised Land as a land of “milk and honey” resonates so deeply with
us. It all goes back to breast milk.
So anyway, I decided that
this new religion is going to cash in on this revelation and get us back to the
core. I’m going to develop an ice cream with the only ingredients being milk
and sugar, and that will be Universal Ice Cream.
Now, being the savvy
businessperson that I am (in addition to being a prophet), I have long realized
that a problem with having an institution providing only ice cream is that
sales tend to dive in the cold winter months. I have noticed that Baskin and
Robbins has addressed this problem by beginning to team up with Nathan’s Hot
Dogs. So even though folks may not want to stop by for a sundae or cone in the
winter, they may still come by for a nice, warm hot dog. However, my solution
is to serve “hot” ice cream in the winter months—in other words, nice, frothy
cups of sweetened steamed milk. I’ll probably also offer year-round glasses of
milk and honey served slightly refrigerated or at room temperature for those of
discerning tastes who would like to be more biblically accurate.
Now, being the prophet
that I am (in addition to being a savvy businessperson), I’m expecting some
problems along the way. I’m expecting that sooner or later, somebody’s going to
come along and add vanilla flavoring to universal ice cream and open up a new
Better Church of Universal Ice Cream with that vanilla ice cream. And then
chocolate is going to follow, and next strawberry. Then some Italian guy from
Rome is going to come along and develop, of all things, Trinity Ice Cream, with
three flavors in every scoop! In the secular world, they’re going to call it
“spumoni”. And finally will come all kinds of exotic flavors, colors, and
probably even toppings. And then some manufacturing folks are going to come along
and add all kinds of other ingredients so the product can be more consistent,
ship better, and cost less. The country will be dotted with all kinds of
Churches of Universal Ice Cream, all claiming to be the Best Yet, the Ultimate,
the Final One and Only, the Culmination of Everything That Has Gone On Before,
The Culmination of Everything That Has Gone On Before, Version’s II and III,
etc. There will probably even be churches that will offer Universal Steamed
Milk in the winter and Frozen Universal Steamed Milk in the summer, and all of
the variations available on those (espresso, double shot, whole milk, 2%, skim
or soy), claiming they are the ultimate ones, and not the ice cream
establishments.
And the congregants of all
these different churches are going to start to get ugly with each other,
because each church will claim that theirs and theirs alone is the one and only
true Universal Ice Cream. Blood will be shed and wars will be fought, all over
Ice Cream. No-one will remember that there are common elements in all of the
varieties of ice cream because on the surface they will all look and taste so
different. They’ll just focus on the differences and claim that there is no way
that they can all be true ice cream.
And there you have it, a
big mess started over ice cream. Started over a basic need and drive to remain
connected with a fundamental source of nourishment upon which we all depend in
order to survive and thrive.
So what is the solution to
this conundrum? Is a return to one and only Universal Ice Cream going to work?
Doubtful. The cat is already out of the bag. Besides, what is wrong with
diversity? And not just tolerating differences, but accepting, embracing and
celebrating them. Everywhere we look, we see diversity — in the animal, vegetable
and mineral kingdoms. And also a unifying interdependence. We see diversity in
human expression and endeavor, from ethnicity and culture, to food preparation
and artistic expression. Why should it be any different with religious
expression? Maybe Baskin and Robbins has it right, collecting all of these
different varieties of ice cream under one roof, in a joyous expression of the
wide world of ice cream, but reminding everyone that they are all ice cream,
and providing everyone a choice. Is the guy who prefers Rocky Road really going
to get into a heated argument with the guy who prefers Mint Chocolate Chip? Or
can they acknowledge that both are ice cream and that they have different
individual tastes. Different strokes for different folks.
So the challenge for
interfaith work is the “Baskin and Robbins” challenge. We all need to keep up
the good work.
As for me personally, I’m
one of those folks who likes the simplicity of the core ingredients of
universal ice cream, distinguishing between spirituality and religion. Maybe
I’ll splurge and throw in a little flavoring or topping once in a while, just
for fun.
But for the sake of peace
on earth and a recognition of our common, interdependent humanity, we all need
to constantly remember that it is ALL ice cream.
P.S. I have worked at
various retail jobs in my long and storied life, but the one that was the most
fun was working in an ice cream parlor. You know why? Because people are always
in a good mood when they’re coming in to buy ice cream!
